A couple of weeks ago I had my sobriety anniversary. 5 long years ago I made the decision that alcohol wasn’t serving me, and I stopped. Truth be told about 15 long years ago I thought I needed to cut down, but fuck it, I was good at it.
Now I'm not going to preach to you, but I reckon a few of you reading this like a drink and you’d like to cut down just a bit. You’re might give this a read to see what this sober thing is about. Not that you’re going to do it, fuck that, you love a glass of red. You’re just interested.
How is being Sober?
Being sober is awesome, the sun always shines, the birds always sing, the grass is always green and people everywhere are always happy…
… well, that’s a big bunch of bullshit.
For me, it's easy and it’s hard. The hard part is you have booze rubbed in your face every turn you take. Doesn’t matter where you are, what you’re doing or who you’re talking to (mostly). The first thing you’ll find if you drop the bottle is that that fucker is everywhere. It’s what everyone does when they meet, it’s what they talk about, it’s what they post about on social media, it’s on almost every TV program, advert, film, billboard, whatever. If you can go 20 minutes out in the big wide world without seeing an advert for 3 for £15 prosecco being rubbed in your face. You’re doing well. It’s not that I want a drink… it’s that I feel abnormal not wanting to drink!
Why did I stop?
Well, I was a fun alcoholic, I was the guy that got parties started, got the games begun, the guy who brought the rounds, started the dancing, had the craziest stories and dragged you to the next pub. I loved a drink.
As I got older crazy nights we're less frequent and I liked to relax with a nice glass of warm red on a cosy evening in front of the fire, watching some bullshit on TV. At the weekend I’d be up the local pub where they served roast potatoes and gravy for free at the bar, with a pint of larger setting the world to rights. Bliss.
The vision people have of an alcoholic is someone who’s lost their family, their job, their friends all to the bottle. But that definitely wasn’t me. I wasn’t a violent drunk ether, in my younger days I could get a little lairy, but generally I was the guy who calmed the situation down and got people laughing again. I was a nice drunk.
So why stop?
Really, for years, the way I’d measured if I had a problem was to compare myself to people I knew who drunk more than me, and think, I’m not as bad as them… That was justification enough that I didn’t have a problem.
"I’m not an alcoholic", "I just like a drink on a Friday, and a Saturday, and one or two on a Sunday, and maybe a few glasses of wine in the week to unwind". That’s not an alcoholic. That’s someone with an appreciation of alcohol. I should maybe cut down a bit. But bollocks to stopping, a cheeky wine once and a while was good for my heart (apparently).
A Dark Place…
A little bit of a background story, not too much though.
About 10 years ago I had a massive mental break down. The darkest of dark places, where I couldn’t think, walk or talk. I was proper fucked and only narrowly survived. Now this wasn’t due to alcohol. This was due to how I dealt with my anxieties, and things that had happened around me which I had no control over.
Fixing my Head
Over the next 5 years I started to piece back together my head. As it was broken, I had to analyse my anxieties, and what I came to realise is that alcohol was a common theme in most of these anxieties. The things that I had regretted doing, the times I’d been a dick and said the wrong thing, the bad decisions made, times I had lost my rag. In all these negative situations I’d had a drink. I started analysing how much it cost me, which was a lot. I even built an app on my phone to track how my alcohol intake influenced my mental health. I wanted to know it wasn’t actually a problem… not just think it wasn’t.
(Those of you who know me, know I love a metric)
After all that… it was fucking obvious. Alcohol took a lot more from me than it gave.
With this realisation, I started looking at triggers for alcohol. What emotions made me drink. When I was happy, sad, angry, stressed, celebrating, commiserating, relaxing, fucking anything. Again, once I stepped back it was obvious, every emotion I had led to a glass of wine, a pint of beer, or a cheeky rum.
Then the situations, meeting family, friends, colleagues, a party, a festival, a sporting event, after the gym, a lonely night in, again, meeting anyone or doing anything usually involved a drink.
I drank for any reason, on any emotion, at any event
With this realisation, I thought harder.
"Why?, Why do I feel the need to drink in so many situations?"
Again, standing back and analysing it... Alcohol is an intoxicant, I must want to change myself.
You may argue it, but alcohol has an almost immediate effect on your personality.
Having 5 years sober under my belt, I can see the effect any alcohol has on any person I know well. A single glass of wine changes you, half a beer changes you.
Again, once I’d stepped back, it was easy. In the past I would have said it's bullshit, but it was because I wasn’t comfortable with who I was.
Alcohol takes away anxiety, it makes it easy to feel comfortable. Over the years more occasions you drink, the more anxious you feel in those same situations without it. That’s why I stopped. If I have to take a drug to feel comfortable, that's shit.
As almost every emotion and event involved a Rum, or a Beer, or a Wine... it's only reasonable to conclude, I was anxious in a fuck loads of situations .
Anxiety exists for a reason. Hiding from anxiety almost killed me.
Now, without a drink. I have to learn to feel comfortable, if I want to see my old mates. I have to go into a busy pub and feel... normal. That's hard. Going from being the guy who used to rock up, buy two rounds of shots and start dancing on the bar. To, I'll have a lime and soda is a big change.
But.... it's 100% worth worth it, the rest of life kinda levels out, I live in more of a middle ground where shit is hard, but I can deal with it. I never need to take a drug to relive the stress. I am me, I can depend on me. I have no regrets.
Some of the biggest wins are that all the small things in life start to blossom, you really do appreciate the little things. My memory actually fucking works (who'd have thought!) I remember more from the last 5 years than I did for the last 20. If I really think about how much I really remember from those awesome nights out... they're flashes, glimpses, no substance, vague dream like memories. Now, I remember and appreciate everything, I remember all my conversations, everyone's name, and far away the best thing is to not have to rely on pictures to remember the awesome time I spend with my kids, I’m there for them, as me.
A life without drink is so much easier. Five years sober is an achievement... and as for that crazy streak I used to have....
...it's still fucking there.
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